Giving up...at least for a little while

So I know I've been pretty bad about writing on here, but life has been hectic. I went to the Dominican Republic with a friend and enjoyed myself so much I didn't want to come back. I've been on a few dates, mostly from eharmony, and haven't really been satisfied with any of them.

Today I had a lunch date with a very nice guy who would like to see me again. Unfortunately, there was no attraction whatsoever. And maybe that's okay right now, but I know what I want and what I don't want. If I could see it going anywhere, I would continue, but I see a friendship developing with a nice guy which is perfectly fine.

Simply put, people, I'm tired. I've been so worried about not getting dates that I'm doing these online services and matchmakers and I'm tired. I'm worn out from trying to make things work that maybe shouldn't work out. It's time to let go and just let life take me where it wants to. It's okay for me to be single for a while and if the One comes along while I'm out with friends or doing an activity I enjoy, than maybe that's the way it's meant to be. Internet dating is fine and dandy, but sometimes you just need to go back to the old fashioned way, you know?

The weirdest thing is that this time of my life is one of my happiest. I have a freedom that I couldn't have attained if life had turned out differently. I love who I am and that's good enough for me. At some point, I have to accept life and go on with it. Get busy living, or get busy dying, right?

So, I may write in here occasionally, but I'm a lot more focused on what I want instead of what everyone else wants for me. I'm going to focus on my fiction and finishing the novel I've had on my computer for a year. Right now, that's my dream and that's okay. Accepting that is hard but it's what I need right now. So if the elusive ONE is out there, he will wait for me to finish my novel  and he will come along exactly when I need him to. All I have to do is have a little faith in the universe and a lot of faith in me.

Becoming a Better Me

Okay, so that title is a little new age, but I'm trying to be a better me so it fits. So, I started this at the beginning of the new year and how are things going so far? I would say fair to medium.

Number one change: losing weight. I'm trying but it's a lot tougher than most "skinny"people think. I started bootcamp yesterday, and believe me I am soooo sore. I feel like I've been run over by a mack truck. My ex would tell me to get out and exercise more and that will get rid of the soreness, but thank goodness he isn't here anymore. I'm trying to do better on the diet front and I've done a bit better this week. I just have portion control issues. I've been known to eat a whole pizza in one sitting. Trying to do a little (well, a lot) better than that.

Number two change: dating. That one is a bit harder. Over 30 men are not exactly knocking on my door. The matchmaker set me up with one other guy, and we had a 2 minute conversation over the phone. He said he would call me back and then never did, so we are 0 for 2 on that front. I'm taking this latest rejection with a grain of salt. He didn't know me so in the end he wasn't really rejecting me. I'm still on eHarmony and the guys there are a bit better. Unfortunately, my pics on there are a bit old, so I'm afraid I'll be accused of false advertising once they meet me. Hence, the trying to lose weight before I actually meet any of them.

Number 3: my attitude. Things are good on the attitude front. I feel pretty good about myself and my future. Whether Mr. Right is out there or not really doesn't matter as long as I'm happy. Even though I know that, there are still days where I get aggravated and just wish he would show up already. But as long as I'm happy day to day and I understand that I'm a good person single or not, I think I'll be okay. My goals are to save money and get a new house (with a yard) where I can raise whatever children come along (regardless of the man or not). This is all within my 5 year plan. I know that sounds a little stuffy, but having a plan helps me to not panic about the future.

Well, that's my update...Only 9 months and some change left for the year so I'll continue to work hard for a new me!

Valentine's Day for Singles

I once heard Valentine's day called "Desperation Day"for single women. That made me laugh at the time, but today its kind of ironic. This is the first time in 5 years that I haven't had a Valentine, unless you count my dog (which I do). I have always been the kind of girl who makes a big deal of the day with her partner, makes him take her dinner, gets him something nice, that kind of thing. This year, I'm sitting at home backing cookies and watching old romantic comedies.

The funny thing is that, yes, I felt a twinge of envy when I saw guys picking out flowers for their girlfriends at Kroger today, but I didn't feel much more. I didn't miss my ex at all. I felt almost a happy relief, that for once, I wouldn't have to pretend that I was with the right guy when deep down I knew I wasn't. Last year, Valentine's Day was complete misery for me and I was with someone. He took me to dinner that night and we spent the whole night bickering. .He kept throwing the fact that he had driven through the snow to be with me that weekend in my face. I kept wanting to scream at him, yep that really shows you love me, you asshole! Remember, the night you broke off our engagement and told me that I wasn't the one for you? Remember that night, buddy? That night you showed me exactly how much you loved me, didn't you? No matter how many times he did sweet things after that night, nothing felt quite real. I knew he was afraid of being alone, and that deep down he thought he was just settling by being with me. That's a horrible feeling to have, to feel like someone is just biding their time with you until something better comes alone. I was scared of being alone too, and that's why I stuck in there. Until, well, I couldn't anymore and I drove him crazy enough that we finally broke up. I have never been more grateful to be dumped in my life. Today, I thought of last year's Valentine's Day and breathed a little easier. Being alone, even on a holiday like this, is truly so much better than being with an asshole.

There are days when I am still sad to wake up alone. There are still nights when I sleep in the middle of my king-sized bed to erase the feeling of something 'missing'. There are always going to be those times. But there will be times, like today, when it isn't so bad and I realize how much I like my own company. Over the years, I somehow developed the notion that it was a bad thing to like myself too much. That if I didn't put others first, I was being selfish or self-centered. The truth is, it's okay to like who you are and be proud of it. It's okay to toot my own horn occasionally and feel good when I've accomplished something. It's okay to have a glass of wine in celebration of what I have and who I am. There is nothing wrong with spending my life being happy with me instead of spending time propping someone else up, and fluffing up their self esteem. I've always done that a lot. I make my boyfriends feel wonderful, while I feel like shit. I can't do that anymore. I want someone to pump up my ego for once.

Well, that's Valentine's Day for me...I'm happy to have the love that I have in my life, whether it be from friends and family, or maybe one day from one special person. Romantic love is not the only love out there, and sometimes it isn't even the most special. My cookies are done and that's my bit of wisdom for today :)

Are people just mean or is it me?

I work with the public everyday and lately the public is mean. Are we all just in bad moods because of the cold? Or is it just that I'm someone who attracts evil patrons? I honestly don't know, but lately that old motto of "treat others as you would like to be treated" doesn't seem to be followed by many anymore. I don't think people read the Bible much these days or want to apply that old adage anymore. I am so tired of being treated like a dog and then being expected to just take it.

When I went to Africa last year, I met so many people that were just happy to be alive and loved. They were poor and really had very little, but they were so happy. People didn't push or shove each other just to get ahead. They didn't step over each other just to save a dollar. In the US, its just called trying to stand up for yourself or trying to get ahead. When does it cross the line and just become people being mean? If you yell at me because you spend an extra dollar, am I not allowed to defend myself too? I'm tired of people always having an excuse for everything. People say, "I've had a bad day, so that's why I acted so vicious to her." Is that fair? Are we allowed to just excuse any type of behavior with "I've had a bad day"? I wasn't raised that it's okay to use that as an excuse, or to use any excuse for treating someone badly. Is the next generation being taught the same mentality? I really don't think so, and the sad thing is that it's my generation doing the teaching. We aren't treating each other with love and respect anymore, and children are watching this behavior. It really just scares me.

That is my soapbox for today. Sorry I haven't written in a while, but bitching on here sometimes seems a little self indulgent. I want so badly to be a good person and be kind to everyone, but lately my buttons are being pushed a lot.

It's a wonderful life...

I mentioned in my first post that I wanted to learn to value what I have. I'm still working on that one. Yesterday, my best friend, someone who I admire a great deal, told me that she wanted me to just enjoy my life, because it's a good one. That's true and I don't take much time to stop and think that. I may not have the husband and two kids, but the amazing things I do have I should be eternally grateful for.

I went to Africa last year and I saw exactly how lucky I am. There are so many people there who go without the basic necessities in life, but I sit here and whine about what I don't have. The funny thing is those were some of the happiest people I have ever met in my life. They truly treasure everything in their lives and never take anything for granted.

There are so many ways in which I am blessed that I forget to be thankful for. I am one of those fortunate people who has been lucky enough to make friends who I will carry with me my entire life. Whether it's my mom's cancer, my dad's alcoholism, getting dumped by my ex fiance....they have never wavered. In the past year, I have been lucky enough to make even more of these lifelong friends. They call me on my shit, but run to be my side when I need it. Life has twists and turns, and fortunately my life has led me to many of these people.

Maybe I'm feeling sappy because I'm stuck inside due to a sore throat and cold, but I just feel very happy to have all these people in my life. What I don't have now doesn't matter nearly as much as what I do have.

Getting my life back into shape...

I went to a fitness trainer today to do an assessment. It was a sobering experience. I am at the cusp beteen overweight and obese, and at an increased risk for heart disease. My blood pressure has been a bit high lately, but I attribute that mostly to stress.

It's hard to say that you don't like yourself very much, but some days I struggle with it. When my ex moved out, I wallowed in my misery. He was hardcore into physical fitness so I tried to do everything the opposite of what he wanted. I purposely gave myself free reign to gain weight and not exercise. My weight now is 40 pounds heavier than it was in college. I started gaining weight a  few years ago, so it hasn't been a dramatic change.

I have never been athletic. I always wanted to be, but the Lord blessed me with two left feet so that has not been possible. I have tried various activities over the years, and have found a few that I actually enjoy including zumba and kickboxing. I do not  enjoy running, though it seems like the most efficient way to lose the weight. I am a little sad about my lack of discipline with all of these activies. I would try all of them for about a month, and then quit. I have probably wasted thousands of dollars over the years on lessons and classes that I did not attend.

So, in honor of the new year and the possibility of a new me, I will be starting boot camp classes in a month or so. I will keep everyone updated on how it goes. I will also write about my struggle with my diet, which is also a big hurdle in my life. Hopefully by talking about these things here, it will keep me aware and on track with what I need to do.

The Worst Date of My Life!!!!

Tonight I had a date with the guy that the matchmaking service set me up with. As mentioned in the title it did not go well. The only way it could have went worse is if he followed my home and tried to continue the date. The date started out decent. He's not a bad looking guy. Oh, but how looks can deceive! The first few moments were awkward, but I thought he was just shy. Nope, not really. Within the first few minutes, he revealed his history of two DUIs and getting his license taken away. Then he revealed he wasn't a full electrician. He has been studying to be one for the last 10 years and has dropped out of school at least 3 times.

Have you ever been in a situation when you were afraid there was no escape? When it seemed like every moment stretched out before you while you were being slowly tortured? Our date was kind of like that. On a scale of 0 to 10, I give it a negative 1002. Each sentence he spoke was done with slow deliberation. I learned about ten minutes into the conversation that that was probably from the head injuries he had while he was in a car accident. I have no idea if that was when he got cited for a DUI, but I am going to assume so.

The worst part of the whole thing was that he seemed to be having a good time. He was completely oblivious to the fact that the conversation sucked. He was completely oblivious to a lot of things. Maybe it was the head injury. I barely sidestepped suggestions of another date. I would rather be boiled alive in hot oil while all the drug addicts that I've denied throw hot coals at me. The only thing I have to be thankful for today is the fact that I am no longer in that restaurant with him. I am very depressed now. Apparently, according to matchmakers my ideal match is an alcoholic with a head injury. I'm starting the paperwork on the adoption from China tomorrow.

To call...or not to call?

So, today I was contacted via email that the matchmaking service has already sent me a referral for a guy. It gave the guy's basic information and his phone number. I have no idea what to do next. I'm basically losing money if I don't contact the guy at some point. I don't really know much except that he has a girl's name and that he is an electrician.

They give lots of advice in the emails I get from the service and the advice that they repeat the most is to keep an open mind. That is extremely easy for me in some ways. I am always willing to settle, and I just don't want to repeat that pattern this time. He has my contact information also, so I will give it a few days until I contact him. I'm already being set up by a matchmaker, do I really want to look any more desperate than that? On the other hand, so is he so we are starting out on even ground. I'm hoping he turns out to be decent, but if he doesn't I'll live. I've dated many assholes in the past, so what's one more? Think positively...

Romance novels...and real life

I have always been a romance novel fan. From the very beginning where boy meets girl and the butterflies begin, to the happily ever after, they make me smile and feel hope for about five seconds. Lately, I've begun to wonder if they aren't part of the problem though. If you aren't in a romance novel, what kind of love are you supposed to expect? I've been in love, really in love, probably only once. I have told others I loved them, but I don't know if I really knew what it meant.

The beginning of a relationship is always like opening a fresh romance novel for me. I'm anticipating the happy ending and positive that it will come. I start every relationship with good intentions, but when things start falling short, I kind of fall apart. Then everything falls apart. I have grown so accustomed to the endings of relationships that I can see them a mile away. Usually, there is a slight knick, then a wide tear, and then finally the whole dang thing splits wide open.

Would it be better to just read novels and live vicariously through them or to take another chance on love? Sometimes I honestly don't know anymore. How do I trust my instincts or myself anymore? Sorry, not very funny or appetizing stuff but this is my blog so I'm allowed to be a little moody sometimes.

How do I move forward?

I know I started this blog as a way of beginning a new me after the new year, but the truth is I haven't spent a lot of time analyzing how I'm going to do that. I've waited on change to happen, instead of changing myself from the inside. Inertia still rules my life.

I'm gong to admit something here that I haven't really admitted to a lot of people. When my ex-fiance moved out a year and a half ago, I didn't change anything. It took me months to rearrange the furniture, months to get rid of the pillow with his smell, and even longer to just get rid of the little things that remind me of him. I still find things of his that make me want to sink down to the floor and cry. I joined a breakup site soon after we broke up and it basically made me feel normal for all this. Some people take  years to get over a breakup so my matter of months didn't seem that harmful. The bad part of it that part of me still hasn't moved on enough to stop rebelling against him. He wanted me to be fit so I lay on the couch in rebellion now. He hated for me to eat fast food so the McDonald's next door knows me by name now. The sad thing is that I realize I'm not hurting anyone but myself. He was an asshole who I had the misfortune to fall in love with. Well, so what? There are assholes out there, and its time to put this one behind me. I can say that all that I want to, and I have. I just don't know how to move forward.

Its time to at least try to strive for the life I want. Since this a blog to get me up and moving onto my new life, I'll set out my goals here. My first goal is so ordinary and common that I feel a little embarrassed stating it. Hardly anyone actually accomplishes this goal. I want to lose weight, not for the bum who used to spend my money, but for me. I want to begin running even though I suck at it. I'll start by running in the mornings no matter how lazy I want to be and see what I can accomplish. I've done a few 5ks and I would like to do more. My goal is to eventually run at least a half marathon. Okay, maybe it is like seemingly trying to get back at my ex since this was his sport but hey, I've gotta try something.

Next, I really need to keep my house clean. I know this sounds kind of stupid and like a nah duh thing, but one of the things that most people don't know about me is that when I am really embarassed I let my house become a disaster area. Its not quite up to the standards of that show about hoarders (which always makes me feel better by the way) but its not great. Fast food wrappers and cartons usually litter my countertops. I have a hard time focusing on cleanness when I want to wallow in my miserty.

Lastly, I want to do what I have already stated and get mysellf out of my comfortable box. Once upon a time, I was good at this. I traveled to Europe by myself, I went skydiving, and I took risks. I haven't really taken many risks lately, but maybe its time to. Maybe its time to flirt with a stranger or take on a new activity. This is one area I am still thinking on. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

I'm sitting on the couch while I write this. Maybe the first step to a new life is to move from here. Go to a coffee house to write? Smile at the cute barrista? I will keep you updated.

The Waving Girl

Yet another woman in Savannah waiting on a man

Is tthirty the age of lost innocence?

Turning thirty wasn't a big obstacle in my life. It's not like something you can control, you just wake up one day and realize that you are a little bit older, but not a bit wiser. Am I happier for the lessons I've learned? Am I a better person for it? When exactly did I lose faith in happily ever after? I guess that's why I'm writing this, trying to figure out how I came to be the person I am and how I get to where I want to be.

I guess my biggest concern is if there is ever an end to the discontentment it seems most people around me have reached with their lives. I'm going to a matchmaker instead of meeting Mr. Right in a park on a sunny day. I'm writing a blog instead of the novel I dreamed of. I'm standing behind a counter being yelled at by people who want their drugs like they want a cheeseburger with fries instead of finding the cure for cancer. I'm coming home to a dog, a very, lovable cute dog (I have to give Zacky his due praise), instead of a partner. All these things tend to make me examine life and try to figure out exactly what went wrong. How do I learn to be content with what I have? Does everyone just decide to be so so happy when they get older? Do we all forget what we once wanted and just make do with what we have?

I stood behind my little counter yesterday, being yelled at again for circustances beyond my control, and yet again felt trapped. I make more money than I ever could have imagined as a young girl. I have accomplished what I set out to accomplish as far as career goals. When you don't have money when you are young, all you dream of is having enough to never have to worry about it again. The ironic thing is you realize when you get older that you spent most of your life in school trying to get to that momentous point and you aren't any happier. I stayed home to study instead of going to parties. I spent time in the library instead of finding actual hobbies. I wasn't worried about him (the One) because he was supposed to come along at some undetermined time in the future. He has forgotten to knock on my door so far and at the end of a work day I am far too tired to try to find him.

Maybe most of us are thinking the same thing, that if we accomplish the mundane tasks in our lives, excitement and happiness will eventually find us. Do I keep trudging along and hope that he finds me? Do I stand behind my counter and hope that customers stop yelling and just take their Prozac like good little children? Is it better to take action or just let life happen to you like it does in most children/s stories? These are all things I'm trying to figure out because I honestly don't know. Is it desperate to be looking for someone to share all this with? Women aren't supposed to act like we want for anything. We are supposed to be creatures of confidence, even if we have little reason to be. We are taught to complain very little and to accept what life has given us. Women who make more money than men are taught to downplay that as much as possible and to be content if their love life is lackluster. You can always buy a baby, right? Go the doctor and get knocked up because you have the money for it...see problem fixed. What if I want more?

Trying to be Tough

Okay,the thing that sucks about being the boss is that sometimes it actually entails being the boss. I am one of those bosses who tries to be best friends with everyone, listens to their problems, and tries to work with their schedules endlessly. Unfortunately, that can make for a bad boss in some cases. I started out the day with a horrid fight with one of my employees. I won't go into specifics, but it happened because in the past I have always been the good guy. I am always the one to come in on my days off, and always the one to bend for everyone else. I have to admit I didn't handle things in the best way. I snapped and I never do that. I don't want to blog much about my work, but I needed to get the anxiety of that snap off my shoulders. I want to learn how to be a tough boss, without being the snappy, bitchy kind. I'm not doing such a good job of straddling the fence right now. Learning to be tough in both my professional and private life is something that I need to learn in order to be the new me.

So in honor of searching for who this new me is, the tougher, more confident one, I stepped out of my comfort zone today. I went to a matchmaker for professionals. Okay, so I know most of you are thinking scam artist. To be honest, I'm still trying to figure it out. I went in with the best of intentions, of having an open mind and heart, but came out still a little skeptical. Maybe I am getting tougher because the old me wouldn't have questioned much. The matchmaking service was in a very nice office and a very well-groomed, sophisticated older woman met me at the door. We went through two hours of questions, a little pandering on her part, and a great deal of fake laughs. She was definitely one of those pearl-wearing ladies who lunch. I felt a little bit like I was being schmoozed without getting the great car deal at the end. She did have a lot of facts and figures and laid out her case quite well. In the end, I decided to go with the most conservative plan and meet some of the people she had in mind for me. She constantly mentioned how much better her service was then online dating. I don't know if this is true, but online dating hasn't done the trick for me yet, so I need to be open to other options.

Don't worry, I'm not going to become one of those women whose only goal in life is to get married. Believe me, I know there is more to life. I was once on the brink of marriage, and that was about the most miserable I have ever been in my life. I mainly want to meet people, and more of the right type of guys. As previously discussed, my taste runs toward the asshole type. I'm finding that I don't really have time to deal with his type anymore. He is handsome and has his benefits, but is overall a big fat waste of time.

So, I have rambled a bit today. To form a cohesive end, I will focus on what I have learned from today. Being tough can be, well frankly tough sometimes, and taking a leap into something new can be a little anxiety inducing. I am not sure what the future or the year 2011 holds, but I am determined to at least face it with a good attitude.

The Start of a New Year... and more

It is the start of a new year and hopefully the start of a new me. I know everyone claims to have grand new years' resolutions and then promptly breaks them five minutes later, but I am one determined woman. I am thirty years old, which may not sound that old to most people but to the sixteen year old I was once upon a time, it sounds practically ancient. I'm starting this blog as a way of jumpstarting my everyday writing and as a way of sharing who I am and who I hope to be.

Let me start with who my sixteen year old self dreamed I would be by this age. According to that know-it-all braniac, I was supposed to have it all together by now. My two children and husband would greet me at the door as I came home from either my high profile job as a top doctor or an award-winning writer each day. The husband who greeted me would be both handsome and well-rounded. He would rub my feet after a tough day, but still want to take me out for the occasional night on the town to show me off. We would be each other's best friends and all my friends would be jealous of how devoted he was to me. Okay, so I know that guy sounds like every woman's fantasy. That guy probably doesn't exist, right? But to the young me, he was still in the realm of possibility. An attractive man who adored me sounds about as unlikely to me now as launching myself to the moon, but romance when you are young is a far different thing.

I suppose that's the saddest part to me, how cynical I have had to become compared to the romantic I once was. I was always the good girl, the girl with her head in the books, but I actually managed to be decently popular too. I was involved in everything in high school and had tons of friends. Even though I wasn't cheerleader pretty, I was considerably confident in who I was and what I wanted. I had no boyfriends and frankly could have cared less about having one. I had one goal in mind: getting out of my small town and having that exciting future I had always dreamed of. Well, I got the scholarship out of there, but my life is not quite as full of excitement as I once dreamed of.

My first road block came in college when I met my first love. Instead of doing the smart thing and falling in love with the guy across the hall, I fell in love with my best friend's brother. He was in the army and to my eyes, ridiculously handsome. I will never forget the night he first noticed me. I was reading a lot of romance novels at the time, so everything seemed momentous. He would come visit his sister and I was always just his little sister's friend. I was really beneath his notice and I remember laying awake at night in my dorm room trying to think of ways to get his attention. The opportunity finally came when we went to a fraternity halloween party my sophomore year of college. He was on leave and I was finally ready to make my move. I dressed in what I guess could be described as a prostitute's outfit. Ironically enough, his sister helped me pick it out. I had a short black skirt and high black boots on, that made my somewhat chunky legs actually look sexy. I wore my hair loose, which I never did, and plastered more makeup on than a circus clown. I looked good though, and I knew it. The minute he saw me in that getup, the stage was set. He didn't let me out of his sight the whole night. We danced and laughed, and I fell a little bit in love that night. Over the next two years, I fell more in love and it seemed that he did too. Unfortuntely, we also brought out the worst in each other. I barely got to see him. He was jealous, I was jealous, etc., etc., etc. Honestly, he was a bit of an asshole. He began the string of assholes who would last until well, pretty much right now. I learned a lot from that relationship, and I learned that the fairy tale isn't always true. That was the first time life didn't turn out like a romance novel. Sadly, it wasn't the last.

Sometimes, I want to turn back time and be that girl again. I want to have her confidence that everything will turn out in the end. The last few years have kind of beat that notion out of me. I am a professional woman with independence, but I am definitely not that woman that I dreamed of. I am starting a search this year to hopefully find love, maybe a more practical one than I dreamed of once upon a time, and also to find a part of myself that I lost a long time ago. I lost that ability to believe in myself and to just draw strength from who I am and what I am blessed to have. Hopefully, I can find that ability again, with or without someone special.