Valentine's Day for Singles

I once heard Valentine's day called "Desperation Day"for single women. That made me laugh at the time, but today its kind of ironic. This is the first time in 5 years that I haven't had a Valentine, unless you count my dog (which I do). I have always been the kind of girl who makes a big deal of the day with her partner, makes him take her dinner, gets him something nice, that kind of thing. This year, I'm sitting at home backing cookies and watching old romantic comedies.

The funny thing is that, yes, I felt a twinge of envy when I saw guys picking out flowers for their girlfriends at Kroger today, but I didn't feel much more. I didn't miss my ex at all. I felt almost a happy relief, that for once, I wouldn't have to pretend that I was with the right guy when deep down I knew I wasn't. Last year, Valentine's Day was complete misery for me and I was with someone. He took me to dinner that night and we spent the whole night bickering. .He kept throwing the fact that he had driven through the snow to be with me that weekend in my face. I kept wanting to scream at him, yep that really shows you love me, you asshole! Remember, the night you broke off our engagement and told me that I wasn't the one for you? Remember that night, buddy? That night you showed me exactly how much you loved me, didn't you? No matter how many times he did sweet things after that night, nothing felt quite real. I knew he was afraid of being alone, and that deep down he thought he was just settling by being with me. That's a horrible feeling to have, to feel like someone is just biding their time with you until something better comes alone. I was scared of being alone too, and that's why I stuck in there. Until, well, I couldn't anymore and I drove him crazy enough that we finally broke up. I have never been more grateful to be dumped in my life. Today, I thought of last year's Valentine's Day and breathed a little easier. Being alone, even on a holiday like this, is truly so much better than being with an asshole.

There are days when I am still sad to wake up alone. There are still nights when I sleep in the middle of my king-sized bed to erase the feeling of something 'missing'. There are always going to be those times. But there will be times, like today, when it isn't so bad and I realize how much I like my own company. Over the years, I somehow developed the notion that it was a bad thing to like myself too much. That if I didn't put others first, I was being selfish or self-centered. The truth is, it's okay to like who you are and be proud of it. It's okay to toot my own horn occasionally and feel good when I've accomplished something. It's okay to have a glass of wine in celebration of what I have and who I am. There is nothing wrong with spending my life being happy with me instead of spending time propping someone else up, and fluffing up their self esteem. I've always done that a lot. I make my boyfriends feel wonderful, while I feel like shit. I can't do that anymore. I want someone to pump up my ego for once.

Well, that's Valentine's Day for me...I'm happy to have the love that I have in my life, whether it be from friends and family, or maybe one day from one special person. Romantic love is not the only love out there, and sometimes it isn't even the most special. My cookies are done and that's my bit of wisdom for today :)