Giving up...at least for a little while

So I know I've been pretty bad about writing on here, but life has been hectic. I went to the Dominican Republic with a friend and enjoyed myself so much I didn't want to come back. I've been on a few dates, mostly from eharmony, and haven't really been satisfied with any of them.

Today I had a lunch date with a very nice guy who would like to see me again. Unfortunately, there was no attraction whatsoever. And maybe that's okay right now, but I know what I want and what I don't want. If I could see it going anywhere, I would continue, but I see a friendship developing with a nice guy which is perfectly fine.

Simply put, people, I'm tired. I've been so worried about not getting dates that I'm doing these online services and matchmakers and I'm tired. I'm worn out from trying to make things work that maybe shouldn't work out. It's time to let go and just let life take me where it wants to. It's okay for me to be single for a while and if the One comes along while I'm out with friends or doing an activity I enjoy, than maybe that's the way it's meant to be. Internet dating is fine and dandy, but sometimes you just need to go back to the old fashioned way, you know?

The weirdest thing is that this time of my life is one of my happiest. I have a freedom that I couldn't have attained if life had turned out differently. I love who I am and that's good enough for me. At some point, I have to accept life and go on with it. Get busy living, or get busy dying, right?

So, I may write in here occasionally, but I'm a lot more focused on what I want instead of what everyone else wants for me. I'm going to focus on my fiction and finishing the novel I've had on my computer for a year. Right now, that's my dream and that's okay. Accepting that is hard but it's what I need right now. So if the elusive ONE is out there, he will wait for me to finish my novel  and he will come along exactly when I need him to. All I have to do is have a little faith in the universe and a lot of faith in me.

Becoming a Better Me

Okay, so that title is a little new age, but I'm trying to be a better me so it fits. So, I started this at the beginning of the new year and how are things going so far? I would say fair to medium.

Number one change: losing weight. I'm trying but it's a lot tougher than most "skinny"people think. I started bootcamp yesterday, and believe me I am soooo sore. I feel like I've been run over by a mack truck. My ex would tell me to get out and exercise more and that will get rid of the soreness, but thank goodness he isn't here anymore. I'm trying to do better on the diet front and I've done a bit better this week. I just have portion control issues. I've been known to eat a whole pizza in one sitting. Trying to do a little (well, a lot) better than that.

Number two change: dating. That one is a bit harder. Over 30 men are not exactly knocking on my door. The matchmaker set me up with one other guy, and we had a 2 minute conversation over the phone. He said he would call me back and then never did, so we are 0 for 2 on that front. I'm taking this latest rejection with a grain of salt. He didn't know me so in the end he wasn't really rejecting me. I'm still on eHarmony and the guys there are a bit better. Unfortunately, my pics on there are a bit old, so I'm afraid I'll be accused of false advertising once they meet me. Hence, the trying to lose weight before I actually meet any of them.

Number 3: my attitude. Things are good on the attitude front. I feel pretty good about myself and my future. Whether Mr. Right is out there or not really doesn't matter as long as I'm happy. Even though I know that, there are still days where I get aggravated and just wish he would show up already. But as long as I'm happy day to day and I understand that I'm a good person single or not, I think I'll be okay. My goals are to save money and get a new house (with a yard) where I can raise whatever children come along (regardless of the man or not). This is all within my 5 year plan. I know that sounds a little stuffy, but having a plan helps me to not panic about the future.

Well, that's my update...Only 9 months and some change left for the year so I'll continue to work hard for a new me!

Valentine's Day for Singles

I once heard Valentine's day called "Desperation Day"for single women. That made me laugh at the time, but today its kind of ironic. This is the first time in 5 years that I haven't had a Valentine, unless you count my dog (which I do). I have always been the kind of girl who makes a big deal of the day with her partner, makes him take her dinner, gets him something nice, that kind of thing. This year, I'm sitting at home backing cookies and watching old romantic comedies.

The funny thing is that, yes, I felt a twinge of envy when I saw guys picking out flowers for their girlfriends at Kroger today, but I didn't feel much more. I didn't miss my ex at all. I felt almost a happy relief, that for once, I wouldn't have to pretend that I was with the right guy when deep down I knew I wasn't. Last year, Valentine's Day was complete misery for me and I was with someone. He took me to dinner that night and we spent the whole night bickering. .He kept throwing the fact that he had driven through the snow to be with me that weekend in my face. I kept wanting to scream at him, yep that really shows you love me, you asshole! Remember, the night you broke off our engagement and told me that I wasn't the one for you? Remember that night, buddy? That night you showed me exactly how much you loved me, didn't you? No matter how many times he did sweet things after that night, nothing felt quite real. I knew he was afraid of being alone, and that deep down he thought he was just settling by being with me. That's a horrible feeling to have, to feel like someone is just biding their time with you until something better comes alone. I was scared of being alone too, and that's why I stuck in there. Until, well, I couldn't anymore and I drove him crazy enough that we finally broke up. I have never been more grateful to be dumped in my life. Today, I thought of last year's Valentine's Day and breathed a little easier. Being alone, even on a holiday like this, is truly so much better than being with an asshole.

There are days when I am still sad to wake up alone. There are still nights when I sleep in the middle of my king-sized bed to erase the feeling of something 'missing'. There are always going to be those times. But there will be times, like today, when it isn't so bad and I realize how much I like my own company. Over the years, I somehow developed the notion that it was a bad thing to like myself too much. That if I didn't put others first, I was being selfish or self-centered. The truth is, it's okay to like who you are and be proud of it. It's okay to toot my own horn occasionally and feel good when I've accomplished something. It's okay to have a glass of wine in celebration of what I have and who I am. There is nothing wrong with spending my life being happy with me instead of spending time propping someone else up, and fluffing up their self esteem. I've always done that a lot. I make my boyfriends feel wonderful, while I feel like shit. I can't do that anymore. I want someone to pump up my ego for once.

Well, that's Valentine's Day for me...I'm happy to have the love that I have in my life, whether it be from friends and family, or maybe one day from one special person. Romantic love is not the only love out there, and sometimes it isn't even the most special. My cookies are done and that's my bit of wisdom for today :)

Are people just mean or is it me?

I work with the public everyday and lately the public is mean. Are we all just in bad moods because of the cold? Or is it just that I'm someone who attracts evil patrons? I honestly don't know, but lately that old motto of "treat others as you would like to be treated" doesn't seem to be followed by many anymore. I don't think people read the Bible much these days or want to apply that old adage anymore. I am so tired of being treated like a dog and then being expected to just take it.

When I went to Africa last year, I met so many people that were just happy to be alive and loved. They were poor and really had very little, but they were so happy. People didn't push or shove each other just to get ahead. They didn't step over each other just to save a dollar. In the US, its just called trying to stand up for yourself or trying to get ahead. When does it cross the line and just become people being mean? If you yell at me because you spend an extra dollar, am I not allowed to defend myself too? I'm tired of people always having an excuse for everything. People say, "I've had a bad day, so that's why I acted so vicious to her." Is that fair? Are we allowed to just excuse any type of behavior with "I've had a bad day"? I wasn't raised that it's okay to use that as an excuse, or to use any excuse for treating someone badly. Is the next generation being taught the same mentality? I really don't think so, and the sad thing is that it's my generation doing the teaching. We aren't treating each other with love and respect anymore, and children are watching this behavior. It really just scares me.

That is my soapbox for today. Sorry I haven't written in a while, but bitching on here sometimes seems a little self indulgent. I want so badly to be a good person and be kind to everyone, but lately my buttons are being pushed a lot.

It's a wonderful life...

I mentioned in my first post that I wanted to learn to value what I have. I'm still working on that one. Yesterday, my best friend, someone who I admire a great deal, told me that she wanted me to just enjoy my life, because it's a good one. That's true and I don't take much time to stop and think that. I may not have the husband and two kids, but the amazing things I do have I should be eternally grateful for.

I went to Africa last year and I saw exactly how lucky I am. There are so many people there who go without the basic necessities in life, but I sit here and whine about what I don't have. The funny thing is those were some of the happiest people I have ever met in my life. They truly treasure everything in their lives and never take anything for granted.

There are so many ways in which I am blessed that I forget to be thankful for. I am one of those fortunate people who has been lucky enough to make friends who I will carry with me my entire life. Whether it's my mom's cancer, my dad's alcoholism, getting dumped by my ex fiance....they have never wavered. In the past year, I have been lucky enough to make even more of these lifelong friends. They call me on my shit, but run to be my side when I need it. Life has twists and turns, and fortunately my life has led me to many of these people.

Maybe I'm feeling sappy because I'm stuck inside due to a sore throat and cold, but I just feel very happy to have all these people in my life. What I don't have now doesn't matter nearly as much as what I do have.

Getting my life back into shape...

I went to a fitness trainer today to do an assessment. It was a sobering experience. I am at the cusp beteen overweight and obese, and at an increased risk for heart disease. My blood pressure has been a bit high lately, but I attribute that mostly to stress.

It's hard to say that you don't like yourself very much, but some days I struggle with it. When my ex moved out, I wallowed in my misery. He was hardcore into physical fitness so I tried to do everything the opposite of what he wanted. I purposely gave myself free reign to gain weight and not exercise. My weight now is 40 pounds heavier than it was in college. I started gaining weight a  few years ago, so it hasn't been a dramatic change.

I have never been athletic. I always wanted to be, but the Lord blessed me with two left feet so that has not been possible. I have tried various activities over the years, and have found a few that I actually enjoy including zumba and kickboxing. I do not  enjoy running, though it seems like the most efficient way to lose the weight. I am a little sad about my lack of discipline with all of these activies. I would try all of them for about a month, and then quit. I have probably wasted thousands of dollars over the years on lessons and classes that I did not attend.

So, in honor of the new year and the possibility of a new me, I will be starting boot camp classes in a month or so. I will keep everyone updated on how it goes. I will also write about my struggle with my diet, which is also a big hurdle in my life. Hopefully by talking about these things here, it will keep me aware and on track with what I need to do.

The Worst Date of My Life!!!!

Tonight I had a date with the guy that the matchmaking service set me up with. As mentioned in the title it did not go well. The only way it could have went worse is if he followed my home and tried to continue the date. The date started out decent. He's not a bad looking guy. Oh, but how looks can deceive! The first few moments were awkward, but I thought he was just shy. Nope, not really. Within the first few minutes, he revealed his history of two DUIs and getting his license taken away. Then he revealed he wasn't a full electrician. He has been studying to be one for the last 10 years and has dropped out of school at least 3 times.

Have you ever been in a situation when you were afraid there was no escape? When it seemed like every moment stretched out before you while you were being slowly tortured? Our date was kind of like that. On a scale of 0 to 10, I give it a negative 1002. Each sentence he spoke was done with slow deliberation. I learned about ten minutes into the conversation that that was probably from the head injuries he had while he was in a car accident. I have no idea if that was when he got cited for a DUI, but I am going to assume so.

The worst part of the whole thing was that he seemed to be having a good time. He was completely oblivious to the fact that the conversation sucked. He was completely oblivious to a lot of things. Maybe it was the head injury. I barely sidestepped suggestions of another date. I would rather be boiled alive in hot oil while all the drug addicts that I've denied throw hot coals at me. The only thing I have to be thankful for today is the fact that I am no longer in that restaurant with him. I am very depressed now. Apparently, according to matchmakers my ideal match is an alcoholic with a head injury. I'm starting the paperwork on the adoption from China tomorrow.